Let’s Talk About Inamimate Objects, and Bedevilment

Let’s talk for a minute about inanimate objects, and bedevilment. I know we’re all big kids at this point, and are beyond believing in the paranormal, right? A person gets past 30 and you’re just supposed to pretend that the weird or inexplicable thing you noticed simply didn’t happen. Sure, you can sigh over it, and mumble something about the unknown, but don’t you dare come up with a “whackadoodle” explanation, or somebody will come on by to squash you (like a bug) with their heavy-bottomed scientific theories.

What if we were to acknowledge that every damn thing on this planet likes to take a good poke at us now and then, especially on Mondays? What if we confronted the vicious little demons that inhabit ordinary mechanical appliances, like toaster ovens?

One got into my toaster oven this morning and figured he’d crank up the mischief a notch. To catch me fully off guard, this twisted little changeling allowed me to make TWO pieces of toast entirely without incident, as ladies might have done in television commercials once upon a time. But the third piece of toast – oh my, the third. Somehow that midget warlock contrived to suppress the automatic off and “ding” functions, so that this piece of toast just kept on toasting, until it was a ball o’ fire.

My eldest ran out of the kitchen in fear. “Mommy, should I get water? No? What about sand?” the clever child asked. (Failing, however, to suggest what is really needed – dark magic, including goat’s teeth, and the proper incantation.)

I finally – and bravely, mind you – extricated the burning slice with a fork, put it into a pot, and drowned it thoroughly in the sink.

Meanwhile the kitchen had transformed into a kind of smokehouse, although as it happens I had no meat ready to hang from the ceiling. (Is it just my imagination, or did I hear a shred of high, whining laughter?)

I hope, and trust, that they’re done with me for today. Here is a photo of the innocent slice that was mercilessly sacrificed. Although it may look like pumpernickel, you may wish to note that it was nutrition-free white bread at the outset.