It’s Good to the Bottom

happytoiletpaperdaySo my younger daughter (whom I’ll call Lila here to preserve her anonymity) asked me one day last fall if I knew what holiday it was. I said I didn’t, and asked her to enlighten me. “It’s National Toilet Paper Rolling Day!” she announced, with no trace of jest.
I was intrigued and as delighted as a child with a mini Kitkat bar, (because this kind of thing is my raison d’etre) so I asked Lila where she got this splendid new information. The source, she said, was the assistant principal, (whom we shall call Ms. Franklin for these purposes.) Ms. Franklin spoke of National Toilet Paper Rolling Day at the assembly, Lila said.

“How do we celebrate?” I asked, picturing the two of us on our knees at home, rolling toilet paper down the hallway. She was uncertain, however, on that point. Later, I did in fact lead her in this activity, which was fun, but limited, and not something you’d want to do for an extended period.

Empty toilet paper roll
empty toilet paper roll


Although my impression of Ms. Franklin is that she is a cheery and pleasant person, a public claim of National Toilet Paper Rolling Day would be a digression into sheer silliness and perhaps a sign of incipient burnout. “And was Ms. Franklin joking?” I asked. Lila said she didn’t know.

I eagerly commenced some investigative research. There IS in fact a National Toilet Paper Day (without rolling) which is sponsored by the toilet-paper manufacturing industry, but that is on Aug. 26 each year.toiletpapermfr2

I was no closer to an answer, but the information led me to think – is there really any day, which is NOT, by necessity, National Toilet Paper Day? Surely we should recognize and even celebrate this important – shall we say even critical – invention.

Later I had the bright idea of turning to my sixth-grader, who had also been at the assembly, for insight or confirmation. “Did Ms. Franklin really say it was National Toilet Paper Rolling Day?” I asked, hoping for a simple explanation – indeed, that Lila simply misheard a holiday announcement.

But Elder Daughter was of precious little help, adopting the dopey voice of Miranda Sings from the Youtube channel. “Well, I don’t like know, because I never like pay attention at the assemblies, they’re like so boring, and it’s always fall, so we had a fall assembly even though we had a fall assembly a couple weeks ago already, and the third graders read like bad poems …”
“What are the poems like?” I inquired, fishing for leads.
“Oh, ‘I like autumn, it’s good to the bottom’ …” she recited.

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